I fell for crime.

I fell for beauty.

(no subject)
Have I told you I am getting married? I am getting married. I haven't used this livejournal kebob in a very long time, and I don't know why. Oh. There may be a few reasons.

But, here are some things that are going on:
- The end of Breaking Bad to come: OH GAHD.
- I'm getting married in ....39 days? REALLY? Oh okay.
- I'm wearing polka dot tights to my wedding, and hopefully, I won't look like a hobo.
- I've been dealing with demons in my head as best as I can. Which means wincing when I see photos taken of me. Having nightmares. Not eating properly or sometimes at all. Having migraines. But, I'm still happy. Just sad over things that I wish were okay/around/not as they were.
- We plan to move back to Olympia and travel to places. Hopefully we'll visit Portland and enjoy friends and food and Powell's.
- Our cats are cute and I love them so much.
- I love John very very much. He is understanding, mostly kind (if stubborn) and empathetic which is more than I can ever ask for.
(there are more things. but, these are some of the top things)
- I have a deeper understanding for how love works, i think. It's never simple. Ever. And you never quite stop loving anyone. No matter what you may tell them. It doesn't just simply turn on and off like a faucet. It's more complicated. There should never be conditions to the love you guive, you can never expect it to come back equally in return, and just give it. Give. Try to be understanding. Realize things are never black and white. Nothing is ever just good or bad.

Oh, to my dearest one.
It's gotten pretty empty here. For awhile there, I had reason to try to forget everything. Lately, though... well, god damn. I've been remembering everything. And blaming myself for ever little part of it.

I talked to you only weeks ago, and at that time you told me I sounded a little squirrely. You were right, and it was the beginning of a block of sadness that is now tipping the iceberg and cracking it wide open. (that could have been my heart, that iceberg.)
I'm sorry for how hard things have been.

But things are hard here, too. Not the same as mine is almost all internal and eating me alive. Yours is all external and eating you alive.

I am grateful you almost never promised me things you couldn't deliver on. Children, marriage. You did promise me forever and that didn't quite work out, did it? BUT, we do have our talks. Once in a while and it's nice when it does happen. So, maybe there is forever. Just not the kind that i seem to crave. (A family, or at least people who love me no matter what)

I'm not coming to visit. Not this time, at least. I need a little more time. I need to see something new. I'm going to New Orleans and I'm going with an acquaintance. I COULD go to my high school reunion, many seem excited. But I'd rather put knives under my fingernails than pretend that I liked so many people or that I feel that it's not a game of one-upsmanship.

I miss you, dear. I couldn't mail this. I couldn't email. Not this time. It's too hard to say all of what is on my mind. (That i sometimes wish I would just die. That I hate every day that ends with a y. That I've lost all joy that I even remotely used to get.) You would hate to read all of this. You only wish the best. And I the same for you. We both seem to change and our not our scruffy pop punk selves anymore. We are new things, cleaner, more depressed (is that just me?), harder workers (as little as can be allowed), better drinkers, more worn for the wear.

Anyway, mostly this was written to tell you that I miss you. Almost everyday. And when I don't, I'm looking at my copy of "Gigantic Asses."

(no subject)
Here we are. We have a new place to live, a cat and a shitty job.

Problems? Well, my friends basically have disappeared. One has stopped coming around, my others are friends that are tired of hearing the same old same old. And some, well, I just don't want to burden them with it all.

I'm pretty sure that John doesn't like me. Seriously. How do I explain it? Um, well, He'll kiss me and tell me I'm pretty, but that's it. He doesn't genuinely spend any real time with me, or listen to me, or if he does, he rolls his eyes while I speak. I could be seeing something that's not there, but I don't know. He'll go from asking me to marry him to pretending it was a joke to it being the last thing on his mind. He doesn't think I'm crazy, but he doesn't seem to think I'm somebody worth loving either.

I just feel alone a lot of the time. A lot. More than someone should. My friends have vanished, I'm working 99% of the time, always at night and if I ask him to talk to me, he acts like I'm blowing everything out of proportion. My roommate said something today, to the effect of "You as a couple are supposed to be working towards a shared goal" What are we working towards? Blank. non existent. we have a cat. That might be it.

I just feel like the loneliest thing. Not even a person. Because people have lives and friends and loved ones.

(no subject)
depressives, unite!

(no subject)
My 2011 ended with a fight. Me realizing things have to change. Some back to the way before I moved here, some things just need to get better. The fight was over something stupid. I was angry because John showed up REALLY late to pick me up from work. Too late to actually go anywhere and so late that we didn't kiss at midnight. When we got home, I was grouchy and tired and stressed and he was being a curmudgeon-y bastard--I said something mean and dumb, and he he slammed the door and left. He came home two hours later, thankfully we talked it out and it all was fixed. But, it did leave me feeling bleck.

I keep saying I need to learn to drive, but my mind stopped me from thinking about it, because the car I was going to buy --my mom has decided not to sell it (OF COURSE. This is the way my mom works. Promise one thing, or another--therefore, it'll never fucking happen. She likes to withhold. Just like Lucille Bluth. Except not precious.). But, then I realized I can probably get a personal loan/car loan for not too much. That, plus what I make --I might be able to get a shitty little car to use to go to work and back. Not depending on anyone, this would be good. I wish we had buses here that were dependable. I would do that all the damn time, otherwise.

My life has been rumply and messy and disorganized the last two years, and I would like to fix that.

First of order of business:
+ Find a new house for the three of us to live. We need more space and this isn't doing it for us.
+ Learn to drive, get a car. see my friends more.
+ Save up, visit the west -best-coast. see those friends.
+ exercise more, eat better. feel less like shit, but that has nothing to do with weight really as much as who i am around (ie: my mom) and what they tell me about myself.
+ Be more comfortable just being alone.
+Step into the world more.

(no subject)
What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
-- made omelettes. cracked an egg with one hand. Drove once

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-- No.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
-- No.

Did anyone close to you die?
-- nope.

What countries did you visit?
-- None.

What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
-- pay off my debts and student loans.

What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory?
-- the day i drove, my orientation at the post office.

What was your biggest failure?
-- not being more brave.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
-- Colds and injury.

What was the best thing you bought?
-- my laptop

Where did most of your money go?
-- food and clothes. and rent.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-- Ummmmm.

What song will always remind you of 2011?
- Video Games Lana Del Ray

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?: sadder. just a little
b) thinner or fatter?: fatter..
c) richer or poorer?: WAY richer.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
-- learning to drive.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
-- being so damn shy

How will you be spending New Years?
--don't know yet. might still be at work.

What was your favorite TV program? - Boardwalk Empire

What was the best book you read?
-- Blue Nights Joan Didion

What was your greatest musical discovery?
-- I've been listening to a lot of old French music

What did you want and get?
-- A little bit of Stability. I get up and do the same thing most days with just the normal change. I have someone who wakes me up everyday and makes me coffee and to me, that's very, very cool.

What did you want and not get?
-- A new laptop. My bills paid off.

What was your favorite film of this year?
-- I didn't have one, really.

What did you do on your birthday?
-- Urm.. Went shopping with L'REL, then went drinking with John, Hall and others. Oh! AND played bocci ball.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-- having learned to drive.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
-- more eyeliner, bigger hair.

What kept you sane?
-- My sister, Hall.

Who did you miss?-Olympia, Elizabeth, kara

Who was the best new person you met?- Laurel, Courtney,
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
-- Sometimes it is better to just let shit go.

Was 2011 a good year for you? Why?
-- It wasn't awful. i spent a lot of time alone walking. I made new friends. I've learned about what it's like to just give in to quiet.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
-During the snowstorm, walking through the golf course home from work. Cold as hell, but so damn beautiful.

Where were you when 2011 began?
-- With John and Hall at Aaron's NYE party.

Where will you be when 2011 ends?
-not sure.

What was your favorite month of 2011?
-- um....

How many different states / provinces did you travel to in 2011?
-- 0

How many concerts did you see in 2011?
-- 0

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2011?

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2011?

What was the worst lie someone told you in 2011?
Nope. None.

How much money did you spend in 2011?
More than I should have.

What was your proudest moment of 2011?
the first moment I drove.

What are your plans for 2012?
--learning to drive, starting school again.

(no subject)
Merry Christmas! I am currently drinking wine and clementine flavored Izze together, which SHOULD be disgusting, but it's not. It's fucking amazing.

Christmas has been nice, even though it's making me realize more about myself. Like who I love and what I love and why sometimes things get fucking translated goofy in your head. (sorry, i'm a little drunk)

I keep thinking about how I felt a few years ago. How sad I was and alone and how that is a little different from how I am now. How I have people in my life who genuinely want to spend time with me and that love me and worry for me. So, that's pretty cool.

Yesterday, I wore a fake mustache to work and I looked like Groucho Marx. I ended up with three different reactions: giggling or people thinking it was real or offended. I liked it. I'll probably wear it again, it made me laugh so much.

Anyway, i'm going to go watch bad movies and drink.

Hope you're having a super day.

(no subject)
Nothing is great and nothing is ever perfect. But, I think you all are okay.

God, I love Childish Gambino.
Anyway, um.... I've been kind of angry about some pretty un-simple things lately. But, it's okay. I don't think I can talk about it. It's just too complicated.

My real life is getting progressively better. Except for some things--like work, but I get paid well (Never thought that, did you?), so there's that. Relationship is good, friends are great, we might be getting a bigger place with a friend.

"I used to be a sweet dude, but now I'm so angry."

Things I want and need at this very moment:
A fucking chocolate cupcake. With white frosting. Don't know why.
Some pumpkin soup (which I will start calling magic curry soup as it cures all my sads.)
a cuddle buddy
for work to suck less and to be better at it, so that people will not keep looking at me like I'm doing such a miserable job.
my damn bookstore money already saved and ready to go.


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